• Muber Mom

Boy Moms: Stand Up

I am a mom of all boys. I have six sons, and their ages range from 16, all the way to 1. An 8-year age gap lies between the baby and the former baby. In all these years of raising boys, the only thing that has changed is me. I am older, slower, more tolerant, and less balanced, but as far as boys go- it’s all the same shenanigans. Boys are boys, and I pretty much own rights to the blueprint. Boys are easily desensitized, so I know which battles to pick and when to contain my excitement. Over time, every boy mom will morph into a “more chill” version of themselves. It’s just the natural course of raising boys. Anyway, I find that THAT “chill” (the boy mom chill) is often misinterpreted as an easy peasy life. One comment that I hear all-too-often is: “Ohhh you have boys. You’re lucky. Girls are a different story”.

Am I lucky though? Are girls really THAT much harder to raise than boys? Are six humans…. not SIX humans? And was I somehow REALLY looked down upon favorably and granted a lighter life sentence, because I was blessed to have all boys? Well, I can’t really speak on the differences between raising boys and girls as my life would have it, but please allow me to typographically put some respect on the boy mom’s name.

First things first- I am a different breed of boy mom. I live 8 bodies deep in a very modest (ok, microscopic) home that, literally, gets smaller by the day. We all use the ONE full bathroom in the house, so I’m basically using a community male dorm bathroom. I am the only squatter in a house-full of standers, it’s unpleasantly questionable at best. Everyday, I swim through a sea of dirty clothes, just to get to my bedroom and hope my toothbrush is wet from the ceiling leaking above. A layer of goldfish subs as a rug under my couch, and every piece of furniture in here has a lean or a wobble. For some reason, I just imagine things would be… dare I say, “better” if I had six girls. But that’s only for a girl mom to judge, apparently.

From the moment of conception, boys have a little voice in their head, telling them to “Turn Up”. It initially presents itself as the “ants in the pants”, later to be confused with undiagnosed ADHD, and eventually resulting in the “he’s always been wild” label. Boys.

Boy moms have a master’s degree in voice inflection. For example, take the word “Relax”. Relax is a common word that boy moms use to diffuse a situation. “Relax”, said calmly is a first warning, to be ignored. This quickly escalates to “REEEEEE---lax”. Drawing the “E” out is a second step, ice is thin. “RALAAAAX!!!” screamed at the maximum tone, with an emphasis placed on the last syllable, signifies trouble. Boys.

Boy moms must prepare to weather all storms and seasons, because a man child has no internal temperature gauge. They disrespectfully prefer to play in the rain, mud, or snow… then come in, get warm, change clothes, and repeat. And there will be very MINIMAL warm, comfy, cozy, inside spectating, because any sport worth playing is usually played outside. Boys.

There are many, many smells associated with boys. There is the “urine didn’t make the toilet” smell, there is a “I forgot deodorant” smell, and then there is… the football smell. This is not the daily “sweaty from practice” football smell. That is expected. But THE football smell is the smell of the season almost being done. It’s the smell of shoulder pads and helmets that haven’t been cleaned or sprayed out since equipment hand-out day in August. It’s 16 weeks of God-awful nastiness fermenting in the trunk of my car. Boys.

Boys also have no sense of planning, preparation, or calculation. So, little boys jump off couches for fun, while older boys like danger and punch holes in your walls when they’re mad. And all boys will tell you something once, and remind you of that ONCE, when they say: “The money is due tomorrow”. Boys.

As a boy mom, we are constantly hoping the doors are locked, the refrigerator has been closed tight after the “last peek”, and no one has bumped obliviously into the stove burner that could possibly kill everyone in our sleep. We are stressed, wrinkled, gray, overworked, underpaid, and take high blood pressure meds before our time. Is this really a boy mom thing though? Is there really a difference to raising boys and girls? Aren’t we all just MOTHERS trying to do the best we can to convert wild animals into humans?

I know my six little guys seem easy from afar, but it's truly because you are far, and I lack the energy to complain. Boy moms are undervalued. I think we may actually have that one in common, Girl Mom.

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